Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Strap it in, strap it on, just make sure it's secure.

As a guy, I have realized that a good portion of my life is going to be devoted to loading and unloading the family truckster. About a two years ago, my wife was in a car accident and totaled the killa Saturn we just paid off 2 months earlier. Super bummer that was cause I just paid off my truck the month before that. We were going to be rollin. Then some asshole in a mazda wasn't paying attention and slammed into the back of our saturn without hitting the brakes. So we got this Dodge Caliber, mostly cause I got family that works at the dealership and got a good deal on it. I like the car. It performs well, has killa mpg, and is incredibly versatile. My wife and I are not SUV types. I hate on SUVs all the time. Thats just me. Why? Cause that shit don't make sense. Finite amount of fossil fuels and we make a generation of cars that drink gas like Kobayashi eats hot dogs. But we can rail on SUVs later. Lets get back to our little 4 door hatch back. See thats all we were looking for anyway. At first we were going to see if we could get hooked up with a station wagon, but those plans fell thorough. Who the hell is buying those damn Volvos anyway? But as a man, you need to change how you look at a car when buying for a family. Used to be all about the power, 4 wheel drive, and goooood paint. Not anymore, its now all about cargo racks, comfortable seats, dvd players, and folding chairs. Straight up. So when your on the prowl for a car, see if it comes with a basic cargo rack. Make sure that front seat folds flat. Seriously. That passenger flat folder has become a dinner tray, laptop desk, and baby changing table for me. And you want to look to see if your new ride comes with a standard 110 volt household outlet. Then you don't have to buy a car charger for your phone, your laptop, your dvd player, etc. And lastly, get some straps and keep them in your ride. You will use these things more than you think. When you buy lumber, but forget your in the family car. When you buy that ottoman that hangs half way out of the back of the car. Remember the family canoe? You will want to strap that jittney to the top of the car. See the uses are endless. And as a man, you will be expected to know how to do all of this and do it well. See I got a leg up on most of you. I was a strap down expert in the Army. That is pretty much all I did. Strap ammo to pallets. Strap Forklifts to pallets. Strap nukes to pallets. Hell I strapped pallets to pallets. It was funny to look back at that time and realize how useful to me that experience from the Army serves me in my everyday life. Go Army, beat Navy.

So my final word to you fellows is learn how to tie shit down. Know at least 3 different knots. And never ever allow a strap to have a twist in it. Keep that shit in mind and you should make out alright.


BeckEye said...

You know that this post title ensures that you'll have plenty of perverted key word searches. I hope you have a Stat Counter so you can enjoy them.

Historical Wit said...

Yeah, good stuff. I love perv traffic cause I always get some quirky comments. And a bunch of hits from the Pacific rim.

blutojthetotmom said...

I always laughed at the "mediocracy" of minivans until I became a Mom and could appreciate all the extra room to haul around my stuff.It does a similar job to an SUV,without the extra fuel
One of my sisters traded in her Suburban for a little HHR after $400 a month for gas got to be a regular thing.

kaylynuke said...

I lurve my Prius and the fold down seat in back make it "hauling friendly," but I prefer bungee cords. But great post title. ;-)